Mysterious Sarcophagus Naturally Riles Internet


Superstition around death is morbidly fascinating. Some 40% of people in the United States truly feel religion is an important part of funerals, yet beyond the ceremony, what other beliefs lurk beneath the surface? Oh, just humans being weird.

A couple of weeks ago, archaeologists unearthed an unopened sarcophagus that was 2,000 years old. Naturally, imaginations across the internet ran wild. Along with legitimate concerns of inadvertently releasing some manner of an antiquated pathogen, references to curses were rampant.

It was opened and neither curse nor plague fell upon the world, so cue a sigh of relief for that. They found, as are wont to be found in sarcophagi, remains of the dead. Hoping to find mummified remains for further study, they were thwarted by 2,000 years of wear and tear. The seal on the sarcophagus hadn’t stood the test of time and the bodies inside had decomposed.

The skeletons, however, were steeping in a pool of red liquid and the internet had a field day. In a seemingly sarcastic campaign effort, an internet user known only as Innes Mck, has started a petition to drink the red liquid from the sarcophagus.

“We need to drink the red liquid from the cursed dark sarcophagus in the form of some sort of carbonated energy drink so we can assume its powers and finally die,” the petition reads.

This petition has more than 8,000 signatures. Officials have firmly declared that the liquid is nothing but sewage that’s seeped into the sarcophagus over time, which is not recommended for drinking. Innes Mck doesn’t believe this.

“Please stop trying to tell me the skeleton juice is mostly sewage, that’s impossible, everyone knows skeletons cannot poop,” they posit.

Accurate enough, Innes. However fervently the petitioners try to sample the soupy skeleton slop, they won’t be able to. To the dismay of onlookers and the superstition prone, it was more or less discarded, not leaving much room to make supernatural inquiries regarding its potential powers.

From a brief study of the skeletons and evidence of wounds, they were likely warriors buried together. After 2,000 years of rest, their remains have been disturbed to be an overnight internet sensation. If that’s not the 21st century way to remember the ancient, we don’t know what is.

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