*Last week, I got to share details on the Officiser, designed to give users the complete benefits of a full cardiovascular workout while said users sit on their asses.
This week, my TNT editor asked me to up the ante and write up “…a delicious story…” that would be “…good reading with the morning coffee…”. And so, dear readers, I present to you the i.Con Smart Condom.
In this age of rampant STD’s, I argue that ALL condoms are smart. But baby, this one’s GENIUS.
Before you throw up at the thought of a condom that you or your man would wear repeatedly as it tracks data, calm down. The i.Con Smart Condom is actually a ring that slides over the condom of your choice. It will then track things like calories burned, velocity of thrusts (hello!), girth (good morning!), and whether you’re at risk of contracting an STD like chlamydia or syphilis.
I’m a new wearable tech user, and I love getting badges when I hit a goal or target. So if I use i.Con’s Smart Condom, do I get a chlamydia badge if I hook up with the wrong person? The mind wonders.
I told you: this one has the Officiser beat hands down!
i.Con’s promotional copy is hysterical:
Have you ever wondered how many calories you’re burning during intercourse? How many thrusts? Speed of your thrusts? The duration of your sessions? Frequency? How many different positions you use in the period of a week, month or year? Ever wondered how you stack up to other people from around the world?
Welcome to the future of wearable technology in the bedroom.
Welcome to i.Con.
I can honestly say that I have never wondered about the frequency or speed of my thrusts. Frankly, that’s my thrustee’s problem, not mine. And from the smile on his face as he hops up to fetch my cup of coffee and morning paper, I think I’m doing just fine in the thrust department, thank you very much.
And no, I’ve never wondered about how I “stack up to other people from around the world.” Who cares? Again, as long as my thrustee is smiling and coming home every night, I’m good.
Oh, yeah. I forgot to tell you: the Smart Condom is one size fits all. So it’s not being marketed for blessed bruhs like me, anyway…na mean?
If you’re in the market for the i.Con Smart Condom, it can be pre-ordered for about $74, although it’s not quite clear exactly when the product will cum out…uh, hit the shelves.
If you decide to try it, give this writer a hand (job) and let me know how it goes.
This blog was written by freelancer Michael P Coleman who’ll stick to his Apple Watch, thank you very much. After his cold shower, connect with him at michaelpcoleman.com or on Twitter: @ColemanMichaelP