*I love swimming in the nude. Everything free and flopping around. Wearing swim trucks while swimming is, I’d imagine, like women wearing a bra while…doing everything. So I’m sure you don’t begrudge me the pleasure. And in return, I’ll invite you over to swim in my pool sometime.
And that’s the difference between how I spend my days off in the summer and what this dude did: he went swimming nude in shark invested waters off the coast of Hawaii and almost lost a foot doing it.
Now, I have a size 12 foot, and I’m absolutely certain that a shark watching me from below would see and go for another part of my anatomy if he saw me swimming in the buff out in the ocean. He wouldn’t be able to help himself. I’m popular.
But Paul O’Leary decided to go for it. So did the shark.
O’Leary regularly swims off of Hawaii’s Big Island. Everything was par for the first course when he felt what he thought was a scrape on his right leg. As he tried to swim back to shore, he realized he couldn’t kick his foot. Upon closer inspection, he saw skin hanging off of it.
When most of us would have been calling out to Jesus, O’Leary remained calm and with the help of another (crazy assed) nude swimmer, Richard Dingman, he made it back to shore. According to Dingman, O’Leary was amazingly calm as they made it to land.
There were two nude swimmers out that day. It was a freaking buffet for Jabberjaw.
“I didn’t hear a whimper out of him,” Dingman said. “It actually made me more worried. I thought maybe he was going out or something. But, no, he was just really calm.”
I want whatever drugs O’Leary is on.
Back on land, several people came to help, and at that point O’Leary’s nekkid white ass got a little modest. (I haven’t even seen a picture of him, and I know he’s white. “O’Leary” helps, but only white people swim naked with massive carnivorous fish who have a history of snacking on homo sapiens.)
“There’s about five people putting pressure on the cut and I told them I wanted to get my clothes on,” O’Leary said. “So we got them and kind of put it on.”
It turns out that Bruce bit several tendons and nerves on O’Leary’s right ankle, requiring about 50 stitches.
And a bullet in the fish’s head, as far as I’m concerned.
But even after his near-death experience, the shark attack survivor says that swimming in the ocean naked is the thing to do.
“If you’ve never gone swimming nude, you gotta try it,” O’Leary said. “You feel very free. …There’s very little resistance.”
You almost get your foot bit off by a shark, and he barely misses your junk, and you call that “very little resistance.” Told you he was white.
This article was written by freelance writer and budding nudist Michael P Coleman. Jaws remains the scariest movie he’s ever seen.
Tweet him your scariest at @ColemanMichaelP