*Holiday legend claims that if you make the “naughty” list at Christmastime, you get a lump of coal in your stocking. Well, Shitexpress has taken that time-worn threat to a whole new level!
That’s right, boys and girls. Now YOU can ship a healthy pile of feces, from a variety of animals, to anyone on your list. (I’d have said “shit list”, but that fruit was hanging too low even for me.)
No, I’ve not been drinking (yet…today).
“Yes, it’s legit,” Shitexpress CEO Peter (no last name…I wonder why?) said.
The service is based in Hong Kong and launched a year ago, as a marketing experiment. Peter says the company earned $10,000 in its first month. At $16.95 per shipment, that’s almost 600 boxes of poop in one month. The company says they’ve made more than 2,500 shipments to-date.
Shipments can be made anonymously (no shit!), and can be made to most locations worldwide. A notable exception is Australia, according to Peter: “Australia doesn’t allow feces delivered from outside of the country, so we have partners who ship it locally for us.”
Third-party shit shippers. My grandma was right: this is the end of days.
According to the company’s website, Shitexpress is “a simple way to send a piece of shit in a box around the world.”
The website continues: “Imagine all the people who annoy you the most. An irritating colleague. School teacher. Your ex-wife. Filthy boss. Jealous neighbor. That successful former classmate. Or all those pesky haters.”
“Your ex-wife.” If MY ex-wife reads this, she’ll bypass fruit and will be calling the company and asking about the “Shitpile Of The Month” club for me.
The website goes on: “What if you could send them a smelly surprise?” It then lists several steps between your not-so-loved-one’s receipt of said surprise that is sure to be remembered for life!
1. Choose an animal. That’s right. Why stop at horse poop? Shitexpress offers a variety of animal excrement for the discerning holiday shopper! JIF might get pissed, but if I were Shitexpress, I’d adopt the “Choosy muther fuckers choose SHIT!” slogan for the holidays.
2. Give us an address. They claim to ship directly to your recipient, via the national postal service. (I know the US Postal Service isn’t doing so well, but do they have to resort to THIS?)
3. Choose stickers. You can send your gift in a brown (!) paper wrapper, or choose a big smiling face sticker for the parcel!
4. Pay with Bitcoin or PayPal. They promise to never reveal your name or address. Thank God.
I have to say I’m thinking about this. I tend to be a straight-between-the-eyes communicator with people who’ve pissed me off, but MAN to imagine the face of a particular former boss when he opens his box of shit…which would be just a fraction of the shit he dealt out to me…
Nah…I’m bigger than that. Or at least I’m gonna pray I am. Where’s Black Jesus when you need Him?