Ladies and Gents, Can We Talk? How’d You Feel About a Lab Grown Penis…No, Seriously

lab, private parts

*You can trust that I am not creative enough to make this stuff up. But I kid you not in the revelation that researchers at the Wake Forest Institute for Regenerative Medicine have announced the substantial progress they are making towards growing human penises in a laboratory.

This is serious folks. But not entirely new.

Back in 2009, the team at Wake Forest succeeded in growing a “functional engineered solid organ” for a rabbit. And being human, of course they followed that up with the successful development of human erectile tissue. With that success, little else would stop them from what they felt was the only step left: grow such tissue into a full-scale penis and sew it onto a real dude with a dysfunctional er…you know.

Technically speaking, any way you angel it, its a LAB GROWN PENIS!

One woman whose husband was overly excited about the possibility had this response:

“Do you mean to tell me they have the technology to grow regenerative organs and the first thing they do is grow a d*ck?”

Uh, yeah, I concur with er, …what she said.

Well, in all fairness to the researchers, they did not start with penises. Penises were second. Researchers actually started their foray into growing private parts between 2006 and 2009, when they grew vaginas and implanted them in four teenage girls. They say those vaginas are “working normally.”

Guess we’ll have to take their word for it.

But you’ve got to hand it to these scientists. After all, they did have their priorities straight. First, build some lady parts to make sure they work right. Then, build some man parts to complete the task and make sure it all does what its supposed to do. Heck, hearts, lungs and livers can wait. After all, is there any sense in keeping people alive if their privates are useless?

I’m not sure I even want to know what’s involved in growing a penis in a lab, that is. So I’ll leave this mystery up to the researchers at Wake Forest. Maybe they grow them on penis-shaped lattices, or use potting soil and a drip irrigation system. Maybe it’s a process similar to whatever was involved in growing a human ear on a mouse’s back.

However they do it, as “progress” would have it, that wouldn’t be the end of it. Some freaky dude would then probably want them to explore upgrades that would make it do things like splice in some anglerfish genes that make it glow in the dark or; make it king cobra-style, so a guy could sit cross legged on the sidewalk and charm his own snake.

OK, maybe that’s a bit far-fetched but dang.

Considering some men may not be as, er, fortunate as others, is this something you would support as a wife? Men, is this a viable option for you? I don’t know what the world would come to if they started growing penises in labs. The mere thought of it creates visions in my head that even I don’t feel comfortable with.

Your thoughts?

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