15. Chris Brown and Rihanna-Although the “Chrianna” incident was tragic, there were lessons to be learned. Chris Breezy, repeat after me, “I will not slap any tricks unless they ask me to. This includes…but is not limited to, all sex acts as well as future confrontations with my new chick.” Rihanna, repeat after me, “I will not talk slick in other folks cars unless I have backup or some good running shoes.”
14. D. Wade, as much as I hate to say this, Gabby was a pretty good come up. However, when you think past your man parts, you will see that whores don’t make good housewives.
13. Ray-J, first you aspired to be like your big sister Brandy. Then you aspired to be like Snoop Dogg. Now you are aspiring to be like Flavor Flav. I see a downward spiral here. Who’s next, Coolio? Promise to pick a mentor who ain’t done jail time, who ain’t a weedhead and who is smart enough to know NOT to try to sneak crack through airport security.
12. Mo’Nique, we hear you. You can stop yelling into my TV screen errrrry night. And another thing, please know that black people don’t need to be dancing and what not just because the camera is rolling. You don’t see Oprah doin’ the “stanky leg” or Letterman “two steppin” while signing off. Take notes!
11. Shaq, promise to quit whipping that lil’ stuff out on all of the tricks of the industry. Some stuff needs to remain a secret. You should be embarrassed.
10. Jackson Family promise to not profit from you sibling’s death. It’s just tacky…
9. Jay Z, go on and retire already. You are now the old dude in the club. And quit runnin’ up on Jesus! Startin’ beef with him by stealing his name is a sure fire way to bust hell wide open.
8. The Real Housewives of Atlanta, where can I start?
Lisa, you are such a goodie-goodie. You are my favorite housewife but make it your business to hire a REAL stylist. The aluminum foil dress for the finale kind of put me in the mind of Nipsy Russell when he was the Tin Man in the Wiz.
Sheree promise to expand your vocabulary. Everything cannot be “classy.”
Kandi, you are my second favorite housewife. You are a beautiful, talented woman but all that goes out of the window when you open your mouth. Promise to get a diction coach this year to tighten up the package.
Kim, you by far are my least favorite housewife. Promise to open and eBay store to sell errrything of value purchased by Big Papa and invest the money. You are gonna need something to fall back on when you finally get the memo that Big Papa ain’t leaving his wife.
NeNe, NeNe, NeNe, chyle somebody done told you WRONG! From the bad weave/dye job to the shout outs to all of your “fans” you have really felt yourself this season. Promise to have a huge slice of humble pie.
7. Kanye, promise to just go’on and come out the closet. Amber Rose is not a good cover. She’s a tranny if I’ve ever seen one. She’s cute…but a tranny nonetheless.
6. Ed hardy promise to sue Jon Gosselin for his hand in the demise of your clothing line. What once was $150 in Nordstroms is now $15 in TJMaxx. Talk about mark to market depreciation…
5. Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom-Kardashian, promise to plan a family reunion to introduce your kids to their new stepmother. Nuff said…
4. Tiny and Toya, please take a speech class! “Your Baby Can Read” would be a good start! In a year or two, you can work your way up to “Hooked on Phonics” and who knows how far you can go. You may even become confident enough to try a lil’ Dr. Seuss.
3. NAS go’on and pay child support for your baby. It is SO not a good look for you to be rockin’ “NIGGA” on your chest all the while disputing your child support payments. Kelis go’on back to school and get a trade. The music industry has failed you. I don’t forsee any hits in your future. I hear beauty school is a great way to go. Sistas get their hair done before they pay rent. Nuff said…
2. Lil Wayne, practice safe sex! Three kids by three different women in one year is SO not cute. It’s just NASTY. Kinda like how you look. Nuff said…
1. Seeing that I don’t discriminate, I will add someone to the list that falls under the “other” category. Tiger Woods, please promise to only use your putter on authorized courses. You should only play 18 holes instead of 18 hoes. Nuff said…
Let’s hope our celebs take heed. Happy New Year to all of you!